I’m a bad ass mutha, and don’t let anyone tell ya otherwise.
You doubt me an’ I’ll kick your ass all the way to New Year’s Eve.
So don’t be doubtin’ me, man, an’ we’ll get along just fine.
You start thinkin’ you can take a liberty with my good nature an’ I’ll do yer. Got it? Good.

See, the way it is, it’s Christmas, and even a bad ass mutha like me ain’t all bad at this time of year.
The season’s good will can even affect a bastard like me. I can laugh with the best of ‘em. Last Christmas I nearly laughed my dick off when that punk, Jakey Cenato, got his balls crushed in a vice when her old man caught him with Sherry Bischoff.
Jakey was givin’ Sherry a good ol’ seein’ to in back of the garage where they worked.
Office romance, my ass! Jakey was just hot for the little whore and Sherry had just gone way over the top on the eggnog.
Johnny Bischoff got two of his boys to hold Jakey down while he twisted the screw tight.
Jakey won’t be filling any stockings on Christmas Eve ever again, I’ll tell ya. What a freakin’ wheeze.

Anyways, I’m whatchacall digressin’.
I’m tryin’ to point out that, see, when it’s Christmas, I’m not as bad as I normally am. So, I was just not on top of my game. Doesn’t make me any less a man than normal, just, like, not as up for it as usual.

I was in Blake’s Bar. My usual hang out. Most of the usual guys were there. We were drinkin’ for ol’ times sake and stuff.
Thinkin’ about goin’ home and trimming the tree and all that crap.
Some asshole had even put a Bing Crosby track on the juke box.
Christmas in Kilarney or some other freakin’ Mick shit.
I supposed it was a good match for the Irish whiskey I was putting in my guts, so I didn’t complain. I was havin’ a good time.
I was as happy as a bad ass mutha could be on Christmas Eve.

Jakey's nuts roastin’ on an open fire, Bischoff nipping at his balls...yeah, we even struck up a Yuletide carol.
I was feelin’ warm an’ fuzzy when I finally stumbled outa Blake’s an’ hit the road. It was blowin’ a blizzard.
Didn’t dent my good mood, though, just made me want to get home quicker.
The bitch I’d hooked up with, Brenda, was waitin’ for me, an’ there was a certain part of me that was in need of hottin’ up.

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